Journals65
Newest
Made a Homestuck fan song...
1 min read
Uh, not to promote all the time, because my next video is probably not going to be for months, but it would be kinda cool if even a few people checked it out?
www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoATkT…
Sorry if this is spammish. But it would mean a lot!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoATkT…
Sorry if this is spammish. But it would mean a lot!
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A tangent
4 min read
I'm saying this once again only for my own viewing. I tend to do this a lot on here so fuck it.
I'm so fucking cruel. So fucking mean and nasty and I act so un-fucking-caring.
And the sad part is that I care so much it can actually hurt.
When I say care I mean this in two senses.
The first is that I care what other's think of me to a large extent. If you were to know me you would believe that I just honestly don't give a fuck. I say this because many people have physically told this to me before, some people being those that I consider or did consider friends at some point.
But sweet lord if I don't walk through the fucking door of my house and instantly sink into hating myself for every little thing I did wrong that day. That person didn't say goodbye to me? They must be mad at me. They pointed out something I did wrong? I'm a fucking screw up and they're attacking me for it. And so on and so forth. It literally consumes me at times. I get these horrible feelings and I believe I have no friends who care about me or anyone to listen to me.
And the worst part is I don't think I could live alone like that. As much as I hate to admit it I thrive on human companionship. I literally need it to feel like I belong and that is part of the reason why I don't express a lot of what I love in school or in public. I'm afraid other people will notice and judge me. Do you know how bad I just wanna put on some fucking beginner cosplay and go to the mall? But there are people there that might notice me, and then they might think negatively of me.
The second is that I care about what other people are feeling. I'm terrible at expressing it, but I really do. I understand I'm only capable of making nasty comments in social settings but dear god if someone needs me to listen or to help them I am there WHENEVER they need me, no matter what. No matter who they are.
I spent a year of my life talking a kid down from his extreme attraction to a girl who didn't like him in the least. He would send me his problems daily about how he loved this girl he barely even really knew and I'd comfort him and tell him that it's okay and that he could find someone else. Day after day I comforted that kid until I started to actually fucking like him, and I honestly think he took out all his pent up emotions on me by holding my hand and pulling me in by the waist to sit closer to him. He used to carry me around the pool bridal style and one time we laid in a fucking hammock together scrolling through his phone. And then once he gets over the girl he just fucking leaves. Just gets up and separates like it was a mistake.
I would still help him if he asked.
I just want people to know that I'm not as much of a bitch as I might act. I don't mean to harm people, I just do, and I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.
Please forgive me. Just for now. I need the security that I won't be kept from sleep by the thought of what others' think about me. I need to not be plagued by the sense that I have no friends who actually like me. I need to know that someone cares about me as much as I care about everyone else.
Please.
I'm so fucking cruel. So fucking mean and nasty and I act so un-fucking-caring.
And the sad part is that I care so much it can actually hurt.
When I say care I mean this in two senses.
The first is that I care what other's think of me to a large extent. If you were to know me you would believe that I just honestly don't give a fuck. I say this because many people have physically told this to me before, some people being those that I consider or did consider friends at some point.
But sweet lord if I don't walk through the fucking door of my house and instantly sink into hating myself for every little thing I did wrong that day. That person didn't say goodbye to me? They must be mad at me. They pointed out something I did wrong? I'm a fucking screw up and they're attacking me for it. And so on and so forth. It literally consumes me at times. I get these horrible feelings and I believe I have no friends who care about me or anyone to listen to me.
And the worst part is I don't think I could live alone like that. As much as I hate to admit it I thrive on human companionship. I literally need it to feel like I belong and that is part of the reason why I don't express a lot of what I love in school or in public. I'm afraid other people will notice and judge me. Do you know how bad I just wanna put on some fucking beginner cosplay and go to the mall? But there are people there that might notice me, and then they might think negatively of me.
The second is that I care about what other people are feeling. I'm terrible at expressing it, but I really do. I understand I'm only capable of making nasty comments in social settings but dear god if someone needs me to listen or to help them I am there WHENEVER they need me, no matter what. No matter who they are.
I spent a year of my life talking a kid down from his extreme attraction to a girl who didn't like him in the least. He would send me his problems daily about how he loved this girl he barely even really knew and I'd comfort him and tell him that it's okay and that he could find someone else. Day after day I comforted that kid until I started to actually fucking like him, and I honestly think he took out all his pent up emotions on me by holding my hand and pulling me in by the waist to sit closer to him. He used to carry me around the pool bridal style and one time we laid in a fucking hammock together scrolling through his phone. And then once he gets over the girl he just fucking leaves. Just gets up and separates like it was a mistake.
I would still help him if he asked.
I just want people to know that I'm not as much of a bitch as I might act. I don't mean to harm people, I just do, and I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.
Please forgive me. Just for now. I need the security that I won't be kept from sleep by the thought of what others' think about me. I need to not be plagued by the sense that I have no friends who actually like me. I need to know that someone cares about me as much as I care about everyone else.
Please.
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Youtube Cosplay Channel
1 min read
My friend and I created a youtube channel where we are going to cosplay different things and so forth.
I put up a video today as Hunny from OHSHC and it would mean a lot if anyone would check out our channel
www.youtube.com/watch?v=FT6kJ9…
It isn't the best quality I know but it's just a start! We take suggestions as well.
I'm sorry about the self promotion, I promise I will try not to so much in the future.
Thank you <3
I put up a video today as Hunny from OHSHC and it would mean a lot if anyone would check out our channel
www.youtube.com/watch?v=FT6kJ9…
It isn't the best quality I know but it's just a start! We take suggestions as well.
I'm sorry about the self promotion, I promise I will try not to so much in the future.
Thank you <3
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Family
4 min read
I'm going to rant a little bit on a lot on what 'family' is supposed to be. Because this is written off the top of my head I may repeat myself, make errors in spelling and grammar, get off topic and act otherwise dumb. Just a heads up I suppose.
My family has always been consistently small. My mother, my father, my sister and I as well as my Poppop and Grandma. Outside of this small ring of immediate family stood the people genetically related to me on my fathers side. This included some aunts and uncles and maybe like a few half cousins, me only actually knowing one of them.
I've never known my mother's side of the family, nor do I really want to know them. I haven't been given a lot of information about them, granted, but if they had ever really wanted to know me, or wanted to even attempt to contact my mother, they should have done it years ago. For all I care they don't deserve to know how wonderful my mother is, or that she married a good man that is my father, or that they now have 2 kids, that although can be bratty, love them both very much.
To be honest, I didn't even know people were supposed to have two sets of grandparents until 5th grade when we started doing family trees in school. I always just thought you had one grandma, one grandpa and that was it. In retrospect, family trees were the worst, I didn't have a lot of history and while other kids had big diagrams to show off to the class mine was largely spaced out to fit a single piece of construction paper.
That didn't mean I didn't have any other family though. What my family consists of is people that are not actually related to me. These people are my parent's best friends, who have been dubbed uncles and aunts, and from that I received cousins as well. I grew up surrounded by these people and I didn't understand for a long time that they were not actually considered family by the vast majority of people.
But why not? These are the people who actually care about me and my family, and in turn we care about them. Family photos are cluttered with these people that I have known practically from birth, and we refer to each other as family in public just like everyone else. I feel like it becomes a social taboo to speak to people that are not genetically tied to you are if they were, and it infuriates me.
People that share similar ancestors don't necessarily CARE about you. They don't have to be there for you and often times they just couldn't give a damn.
But yet, no, the people who do want the best for you, love you AS IF YOUR FAMILY, don't count. They are just people you know and nothing else. No matter what memories of these people you have, no matter how you refer to each other, it doesn't matter, because the cells in your body don't have the correct genetic code.
I hate the condescending tone when people have said to others, not necessarily me, "But they aren't your REAL family," as if somehow they have the right to judge whether it is real enough for their standard.
I admit, I have a bad temper and a horrible attitude, but I really question why people are so shocked when I get angry at complete idiocy. Do you know how much nerve it takes to sit there quietly and take in such massive amounts of stupid? So many human beings have slipped into a state of narrow thinking about subjects even past this single point I am trying to make, and it infuriates me how people could advance so far and still manage to be the same dimwitted animals they were hundreds of years ago.
I know I can't change the world with this, maybe I can't even get my perspective to pass the fleeting gaze of someone clicking by, but it does not effect how potent I am trying to make this single message.
The people who share your blood may be relatives, but the people who care most about you are the real family.
My family has always been consistently small. My mother, my father, my sister and I as well as my Poppop and Grandma. Outside of this small ring of immediate family stood the people genetically related to me on my fathers side. This included some aunts and uncles and maybe like a few half cousins, me only actually knowing one of them.
I've never known my mother's side of the family, nor do I really want to know them. I haven't been given a lot of information about them, granted, but if they had ever really wanted to know me, or wanted to even attempt to contact my mother, they should have done it years ago. For all I care they don't deserve to know how wonderful my mother is, or that she married a good man that is my father, or that they now have 2 kids, that although can be bratty, love them both very much.
To be honest, I didn't even know people were supposed to have two sets of grandparents until 5th grade when we started doing family trees in school. I always just thought you had one grandma, one grandpa and that was it. In retrospect, family trees were the worst, I didn't have a lot of history and while other kids had big diagrams to show off to the class mine was largely spaced out to fit a single piece of construction paper.
That didn't mean I didn't have any other family though. What my family consists of is people that are not actually related to me. These people are my parent's best friends, who have been dubbed uncles and aunts, and from that I received cousins as well. I grew up surrounded by these people and I didn't understand for a long time that they were not actually considered family by the vast majority of people.
But why not? These are the people who actually care about me and my family, and in turn we care about them. Family photos are cluttered with these people that I have known practically from birth, and we refer to each other as family in public just like everyone else. I feel like it becomes a social taboo to speak to people that are not genetically tied to you are if they were, and it infuriates me.
People that share similar ancestors don't necessarily CARE about you. They don't have to be there for you and often times they just couldn't give a damn.
But yet, no, the people who do want the best for you, love you AS IF YOUR FAMILY, don't count. They are just people you know and nothing else. No matter what memories of these people you have, no matter how you refer to each other, it doesn't matter, because the cells in your body don't have the correct genetic code.
I hate the condescending tone when people have said to others, not necessarily me, "But they aren't your REAL family," as if somehow they have the right to judge whether it is real enough for their standard.
I admit, I have a bad temper and a horrible attitude, but I really question why people are so shocked when I get angry at complete idiocy. Do you know how much nerve it takes to sit there quietly and take in such massive amounts of stupid? So many human beings have slipped into a state of narrow thinking about subjects even past this single point I am trying to make, and it infuriates me how people could advance so far and still manage to be the same dimwitted animals they were hundreds of years ago.
I know I can't change the world with this, maybe I can't even get my perspective to pass the fleeting gaze of someone clicking by, but it does not effect how potent I am trying to make this single message.
The people who share your blood may be relatives, but the people who care most about you are the real family.
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Homestuck Cosplay
2 min read
Oh gog, there might be another person dressing up as a homestuck character? THERE IS ALREADY ENOUGH.
Nien.
Anyways, I've come to the conclusion that I have the perfect John Egbert teeth. By this I mean that they are horribly screwed up. I have a gap in the front and they are all different shapes and just...
Well, past that, I think it would actually be kind of cool and pretty easy as long as I'm not going with his god tier outfit. The only other cosplay I have ever done was Kyle from South park, and that was my Halloween costume.
It kind of gives me a reason to practice sewing and makeup skills. Plus, if I get a black wig, which I am going to ask for as a one and only Birthday present, I might also be able to do karkat. I mean, he's got such stubby horns they would be so easy to make.
Listen, I don't know why this needed a journal entry. To be completely honest it is probably only here to remind me that I really do want to do this and perhaps motivate me not to just stop trying. I understand cosplay and stuff is just a hobby for most people but it is also something I have always found interesting and fun. You get to be a person you aren't and the best part is you don't even have to be alone in that love.
That's why there are moments when I wish I had friends who cosplayed or would cosplay. I just think it would be something really really fun to do.
Nien.
Anyways, I've come to the conclusion that I have the perfect John Egbert teeth. By this I mean that they are horribly screwed up. I have a gap in the front and they are all different shapes and just...
Well, past that, I think it would actually be kind of cool and pretty easy as long as I'm not going with his god tier outfit. The only other cosplay I have ever done was Kyle from South park, and that was my Halloween costume.
It kind of gives me a reason to practice sewing and makeup skills. Plus, if I get a black wig, which I am going to ask for as a one and only Birthday present, I might also be able to do karkat. I mean, he's got such stubby horns they would be so easy to make.
Listen, I don't know why this needed a journal entry. To be completely honest it is probably only here to remind me that I really do want to do this and perhaps motivate me not to just stop trying. I understand cosplay and stuff is just a hobby for most people but it is also something I have always found interesting and fun. You get to be a person you aren't and the best part is you don't even have to be alone in that love.
That's why there are moments when I wish I had friends who cosplayed or would cosplay. I just think it would be something really really fun to do.
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